Fishing with Babies – Success in the Bakken

Historically, one of the highest skilled and highest paid independent jobs in oil industry was that of the fisher.  When a tool or other item drops down a well shaft and threatens disaster, someone has to get it out, and that person is the fisher.  Most people don’t have the skills to retrieve a wrench from a small hole that goes 2 miles straight down.  So when something gets dropped, someone gets fired and the fisher gets called.

Until now.  The peculiarity of the population boom in the Bakken has lead to a new solution – babies.  By coincidence, most children under the age of two will fit in a bore hole.  Given their light weight and flexibility, the solution seemed obvious.  Industrious locals, noting the long wait lists for day care, called people and offered the chance to monetize those babies.  At first, it was touch and go, although drill crews say the early failed attempts weren’t a loss, as they ironed out the wrinkles of lowering and retrieving the baby alive.  A slick of oil and fracking fluid, which the babies were already drinking, smoothed the way down (and up), and an ingenious harness that supports the flexible but fragile heads was developed.  But the problem was, the babies couldn’t see in the dark or grasp the tools when they reached bottom.

But the locals, always looking for solutions, solved the problems quickly.  Too dark in the hole?  Break a few glow sticks and dump the glowing goo into the fracking fluid before smearing it on baby.  Instant glowing (and if you remember the goggles, giggling) baby!  But how to get junior to grasp the errant tool?  A stressed daycare provider held the key.  She had been strapping bottles to iPADS to get the little critters to hold their bottles and feed themselves.  At first, the shy daycare provider explained, they didn’t grab on.  But a few days of not being fed, and they got the idea. 

A conversation between the daycare maven and a weary oil soaked client in a Walmart parking lot, and the connection was made. Soon parents all over the Bakken were strapping bottles to wrenches, drill bits, bolts, and anything else that might go down a well.  A few hungry days, and then the babies were suddenly skilled and specialized labor.  Before long, the website Bakken Babies was born.  Drill operators can now lookup a local baby trained to grab a crescent wrench, make a phone call, give the wee one a “Glowing Frack Bath,” and down the well he goes.  Wee! Success!

Overpopulation, lack of childcare, and American pragmatism mean fun and profit for everyone in the Bakken – even babies!